The Decliner

I’m always drawn to reading ad copy, particularly for products that I will never be able to afford, or would never want to own, could I even afford them. Some of the worst copy you’ll ever see is sometimes produced for real estate advertising, which is usually exploding with florid descriptions.

Regardless of the actual quality of a development, the location, or the square footage available, any brochure you read or website that you visit will do its utmost to convince you that this is the place, the most fabulous mid-range condominium you could ever hope to inhabit. Many do a terrible job accomplishing the latter.

The Morning News published a fun article recently entitled “The Hyperbole Towers,” which borrows copy from luxury New York city property marketing collateral and mashes them together into one long, ridiculous advertisement:

The living room is its own light-filled universe, well removed from the foyer and its comings and goings. Welcome to living room impact (sic) 20! The space is replete with the warmth of textured concrete and the understated elegance of a zinc light sculpture.

So, inspired by that article, I thought that it might be interesting to see the complete inverse of this experiment, and make copy for a luxury condominium sound as unappealing as possible:

• Constricted, oppressive, darkness-filled…[redacted]’s condominiums reject contemporary, highly functional design concepts by unknown and unproven architects [redacted] and [redacted]. The units range from one bedroom to one bedroom with a damp den, with two-level loft units completely unavailable. Homes feature low-end finishes, minimal storage and closet space, and none offer balconies and terraces with dramatic views of the city.

• With a community clubhouse, motel-style pool, and a decidedly outdated fitness center, [redacted] offers modest new condos in Northern Virginia within hours of traffic-congested Reston, Dulles, and Leesburg, where you can sample a severely limited mix of shopping, entertainment, and fast-food options.These one-, two- and three-bedroom sub-par condominiums by [redacted] feature diminutive designs (no lofts), hastily completed balconies or patios with building-interior views, and designer bathrooms with inexplicably small soaking tubs and single vanities.
• Offering breathtaking service alley views, nearby access to crime-infested Adams Morgan, over-priced Dupont Circle and 16th Street, [redacted] offers the best of DC living. Located on Meridian Hill, adjacent to the forlorn cascades and historically unsafe promenades of Meridian Hill Park, [redacted] offers a cosmopolitan experience like no other. With a graceless facade of brick and cast stone overly adorned with obtrusive bay windows, recessed balconies and French doors, [redacted] exudes turn-of-the-century excess. Its elaborate design clashing uncomfortably with neighboring architecture, providing a thankless companion to the classic Meridian and White-Meyer houses just across 17th Street. Each of the 29 town homes and English-style flats afford cumbersome entry to the joyless spaces within.

Remember, for all your future real estate ad copy needs, look no further than The Decliner.